ellipsoid.org Site Feed

Keeping Up Appearances

.. and suddenly, we're in week 7. How did that happen? I felt reasonably comfortable in the first four weeks, somewhat overloaded in the next two weeks, and now I can feel the sheer terror building up inside of me when I think about how far behind I am. I guess this is how things are going to be for a while. Our first exam is coming up in less than four weeks now. It's only formative (ie. doesn't actually count for anything) but I'd still like to be able to pass it and give myself some confidence that I can handle the workload. Meanwhile I'm trying (but mostly failing) to keep up appearances outside of med. It's nice to get home at weekends to see my family but the amount of spare time I have has rapidly shrunk over the past few weeks and most non-essential social activities have gone out the window. That being said, I'm feeling much more comfortable with the social situation at uni now. I've got into my groove a bit more and feel like I have more of a solid foundation to work from. In my somewhat deranged state I managed to delete all of the content from the web site database that had been added since December last year. I've been able to restore all my previous blog posts but there are still bits and pieces that I'm going to have to re-do unfortunately.

A Serious Man

It's hard to believe that only two weeks of med school have passed so far; it really seems like so much longer. This second week the intensity was ratcheted up a notch and biochemistry was added to the list of subjects that are now entirely incomprehensible. We had our first 'real' clinical day, getting a basic introduction to the wards and talking about how to approach history-taking. We also had our first anatomy and histology labs, the latter of which I found surprisingly enjoyable. It was great to be able to peer through a microscope and see what a stratified squamous epithelium actually looks like. And then .. there was MedCamp. MedCamp certainly lived up to all the hype. There were costume parties, an 'Amazing Race'-style competition, a couple of goon lagoons and a whole lot more. In so many ways it was a lot of fun. For me, though, there were many ways in which it wasn't. Before the course started, I think mentally I felt the best I have ever felt. I was relaxed, I was confident in who I was and I was really looking forward to getting to know people at med school. I guess the thing about med school is that it's full of people who really are the complete package and have the supreme self-assuredness that comes with that. For somebody like me, full of nagging self-doubts and mental scarring, that's been particularly difficult to deal with. There's been a growing disconnect between the person I somehow "wanted" to be and the person I actually am. MedCamp really brought home that disconnect in painful fashion and took me to a very low place. Perhaps the one positive aspect is that I eventually found the strength to fight the self-flagellation. I think it's going to require some honest acceptance of who I am and where I'm at, and I think it's going to require some self-discipline to stay out of situations that cause me to question these things. Otherwise I fear I may end up drowning in a social quagmire of my own construction.

Med School - Week 1

I've been told that doing graduate medicine is like drinking from a firehose. Whilst my first week didn't quite reach firehose proportions, it was certainly intense and gave a taste of the firehose to come. Oddly enough, I think I found the orientation days (at uni and then at my clinical school) the most tiring. Perhaps it was the thrill of finally being here, or perhaps it was just the mental numbness that comes with having to sit through almost an hour of fire and emergency briefings. Lectures were "introductory" and ranged from gentle (histology) to entirely incomprehensible (immunology). Next week I suspect things will ramp up and the going will get tough. I'm already slightly alarmed at the prospect of not having next weekend to study because of MedCamp. On Friday we had some post-uni drinks at a nearby pub in Glebe, which were both well-attended and enjoyable. With very few exceptions, the people I've met in the course so far have been friendly and helpful. This week has been one of many emotions, ranging from elation to sadness to sheer terror. I suspect the emotional rollercoaster is something I'm going to have to learn to deal with over the coming weeks and months.

Triumph and Disaster

"I have nothing to say, I am saying it, and that is poetry."
-- John Cage

People travel for all sorts of reasons. Some travel to see the sights. Others travel to escape from real life. For me, travel is certainly about seeing new things but primarily it's about immersing myself in other cultures. It's all too easy to get trapped inside your own little bubble at home with little tolerance or understanding of how other people live; I hope that travel at least gives me a little bit of insight into this. My most recent trip, to the Middle East and Africa, also gave me an opportunity to indulge another interest - human history. There is probably no place on Earth that has had a greater impact on modern civilisation than Jerusalem and it was certainly a curious sensation to stand where so many others have stood before and gaze upon it. The Old City, until relatively recently the entirety of Jerusalem, was not quite what I expected (although I'm not sure I could actually tell you what it was that I expected). It is a labyrinthine place, occasionally beautiful but often squalid, home to many religious purists whose families have been there for generations. Its complexity is perhaps nowhere more apparent than at the Church of the Holy Sepulchre. The keys to the door of this Christian church are actually kept by a Muslim family, who open the church every morning and have done so for the past 800 or so years; meanwhile, repairs to the building are being funded by the Jewish state. The rest of my Middle-Eastern sojourn was no less fascinating. Jordan and Egypt are both very much entwined in the history of civilisation and the scale of the engineering feats accomplished at Petra and the pyramids at Giza is staggering. The two countries also provided something of a cultural counterpoint. Whilst the Jordanians were very much friendly and welcoming, my experience as a tourist in Egypt was mostly one of being constantly harassed by touts and vendors flogging their wares. After Egypt I travelled to East Africa to pursue my primary goal, that of conquering Kilimanjaro. Unfortunately my meticulous preparation was derailed by a gastro bug that appeared just two days into the trek. Having ejected the contents of my stomach and bowels from every orifice, I rapidly ran out of carbs to burn and fluids to keep me hydrated and had to be stretchered and carried off the mountain since I was no longer able to physically move. It was bitterly disappointing, especially since the other three members of my climbing group all made it to the summit. However, the mountain is not going anywhere in a hurry and I still hope to have the opportunity to get to the top one day. I'm back home now and tomorrow I begin another journey, that of becoming a doctor. If you've read my other blog posts then you'll know that getting here has been a long and circuitous path. In many ways I feel like I've been given a second chance at being a human being. If I were more prone to flights of dramatic fancy then I might comment that tomorrow is the "first day of the rest of my life" or some such nonsense. In reality, however, it does not feel like that. Whilst I am excited (and a little anxious), my past and future are not so neatly cleft in twain. The future holds plenty of promise but into it I drag some of the baggage of my past. One is never cured of mental illness, one simply gets to the point where it becomes manageable, and I wonder how much of the beast will rear its head once the stress of the degree really takes hold. Perhaps more than anything else, though, it is apparent to me that my life will never really be satisfying or complete unless I have someone to complete it with. More than success at medical school, more than anything, I hope this new adventure enables me to find someone to make me whole once again.

This is the End of the Road, Galvatron

Galvatron: Come out, Autobot! We all must die sometime. Hot Rod: Not today, Galvatron! [tackles Galvatron, who reverses and begins to strangle him] Galvatron: I will crush you with my bare hands! Die, Autobot! First Prime, then Ultra Magnus, and now you. It's a pity you Autobots die so easily, or I might have a sense a satisfaction now! [Hot Rod grabs the Matrix from Galvatron and stands up] Optimus Prime: [offscreen] Arise, Rodimus Prime. [Hot Rod turns into Rodimus Prime] Rodimus Prime: [quietly] Optimus... Galvatron: NO!! [tries to shoot Rodimus, but to no avail] Rodimus: THIS IS THE END OF THE ROAD, GALVATRON!! [Rodimus grabs Galvatron and throws him away from Unicron] Galvatron: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Second Star to the Right ..

It's been a while since I posted a regular status update so, since this was meant to be a medical-studenty blog to begin with, I better get myself into the habit before next year rolls around. The past two months have been pretty busy. After weighting up all the pros and cons I decided to go with USyd and submitted my UQ withdrawal letter to ACER before GEMSAS offers came out. I think it makes more sense for me to stay; my family and support base are here, I prefer the (seemingly) more coherent organisation of the course and I like the idea of clinical contact from the very beginning. I have to admit that the nature of the interactions taking place in the two Facebook groups was also an influence. I'm sure not all the twosies are quite so immature but the UQ group really felt quite alien to me. In light of the VC scandal and the fact that almost 20% of UQ's MBBS2 cohort failed this year, I'm feeling even more comfortable about the decision. I've now completed my first aid course, got my police certificate, got most of my vaccinations sorted out and got myself enrolled, so all there is to do now is wait. It's quite amazing to think that there's less than two months to go until our first day on Feb 6th. In just under a week I'll be off on my trip to the Middle East and Africa. I'm really looking forward to doing some travelling again although I have a feeling it might get a bit lonely. I've purchased just about everything I need to purchase and I've killed myself at Boot Camp for the past three weeks to get fit so I just hope all this preparation pays off. I've read that there is mobile coverage all the way up to the summit so that Facebook post from the summit it looking a distinct possibility .. I've also been working hard to get the new version of the site up and running. It's redesigned from the ground up and I'm pretty happy with the effort so far. I'm hoping to have it up in the next couple of days so stay tuned!

The Thing About It

I guess the thing about it is, is that I wonder if she's right. I do care for her. Evidently I care quite deeply. But somehow it just doesn't seem to fit together like I feel it ought to. I'm hesitant to dive in when, in the back of my mind, I'm not sure that it's going to work out. I don't know whether that makes me a coward or a fool or a rational human being or something else. It's been a while since the dial has moved from 'single'; perhaps it's not that I never found the right girl, perhaps it's that I never took my opportunities or saw things the way they really were. Deep down it feels like the right thing to be doing but at the same time it makes me feel awfully sad and helpless. So many different parts of me have grown over the past couple of years, but in this regard I still feel like I am woefully lacking.

'Twixt the Ashen Skies

Would you like to travel to Mars? Through a sky of diamond stars? Join us in the midnight dust, Devotees of wanderlust. Would you like to travel to Venus? If you had you would've seen us Dancing in sulfuric clouds, Far away from noisy crowds. Would you like to travel to Earth? Planet of a virgin birth, where Rocking horses come and go, Never fast but never slow. If you'd like to travel afar, God of war or morning star, Meet us 'twixt the ashen skies: just Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes.

Never Dreamed You'd Leave in Summer

I never dreamed you'd leave in summer I thought you would go then come back home I thought the cold would leave by summer But my quiet nights will be spent alone You said there would be warm love in springtime That was when you started to be cold I never dreamed you'd leave in summer But now I find myself all alone You said then you'd be the life in autumn Said you'd be the one to see the way I never dreamed you'd leave in summer But now I find my love has gone away Why didn't you stay? -- Stevie Wonder http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cxPtkwhsaOI

We're All Going on a Summer Holiday

On Friday I spent a fabulous evening with a bunch of fellow USyd med-zeroes at the Rose in Camperdown. Some of them I had met previously but most were known only through Facebook so it was great to get to know the people behind the profile pictures. Without exception they were all lovely people and the meet-up only served to reinforce my desire to go to USyd next year. We had a fantastic time and I'm sure some of them will become close friends through med and beyond. I can't wait for next month's drinks! In other news I have booked my trip to Africa and the Middle East at the end of the year. I fly out to Jordan on December 21, whence I will travel to Egypt, Tanzania (to climb Kilimanjaro) and Uganda, returning home on January 17. The Middle East is somewhere that's been on my radar for a long time. There is such an incredible amount of history there and I'm really looking forward to visiting sites that have been part of humanity's story for thousands of years. If all goes to plan I should reach the summit of Kili on my birthday. Apparently most of the mountain now has mobile coverage so there may even be a Facebook post from the summit. Stay tuned!